Why we love the ones who
hurt us:
Victims of abuse suffer from the Stockholm Syndrome too
by Dr. Clinton R. Van Zandt
In August 1973, a heavily-armed robber by the name of Olafson swaggered into a
busy bank in downtown Stockholm, Sweden. Firing shots as he entered, he took
three women and a man hostage, strapped dynamite to their bodies, and herded
them into a subterranean bank vault where he refused police demands for his
surrender and the release of his hostages for the next six days.
After the eventual arrest of the robbers (a friend of the bank robber who was in
prison at the time had been brought mid-standoff to the bank at the demand of
Olafson) and the rescue of the four victims, the continued friendly and caring
attitude on the part of some of the hostages toward their captors was viewed
with suspicion. This was especially so when the police considered that the
captives were abused, threatened, and had allegedly feared for their lives
during the week they had been held against their will. Authorities were even
more amazed when they found out that one or more of the female hostages may have
had consensual physical intimacy with their captors.
The relationship between the robbers and their former captives thereafter saw
former hostage Kristin break off her engagement to another man in order to
become engaged to Olafson; while another former hostage started a defense fund
to pay for the robbers' legal defense. The relationship that develops between
hostages and their captors is now known as "the Stockholm Syndrome," a type of
emotional bonding that is in reality a survival strategy for victims of
emotional and physical abuse— including not only hostages, but also battered
spouses and partners, abused children, and even POWs.
Hostage in abusive relationships
Although not victims of a robbery or hostage situation, 700,000 Americans per
year experience non-fatal physical domestic violence. There are about 8 million
individuals involved in emotionally and physically abusive relationships at any
one time. About 20 percent of all women report having been assaulted by an
intimate partner in their lifetime. In same-gender partner violence, over half a
million gay men are victims of domestic violence. Ten percent of high school
students and 40 percent of college students report being assaulted by a date,
and 20 to 25 percent of college women report rape during college. The vast
majority of rapes and intimate partner violence, whether the victim is male or
female, still go unreported.
The bond that exists between the captor/abuser and his or her victim is strong
and can compel the victim to stay with (or otherwise support the actions of the
abuser) when the need to run is blatantly obvious to everyone but the victim.
The investment that one has made in the relationship directly impacts the
ability to recognize the negative or threatening aspects of the association.
This also affects the ability to either correct or flee. People share various
intimacies with their significant others (who may also be an abuser). Abusers
can threaten to tell other people about the "special" aspects of their
relationship, if he or she does not do exactly as the abuser says. Victims may
have become financially dependent on the abuser and find themselves unable to
pay their own way, or they may believe that they can't make it in life without
the other's physical and financial support. Many have allowed an abusive
relationship to stay hidden from family and friends, and people have stayed in
these kinds of relationships so as not to embarrass themselves or their abuser.
(One woman whose husband made her "pretend" to beg for physical intimacy with
him told me that she'd be too embarrassed for "her husband's sake" to ever ask
for help, even though this aspect of their relationship emotionally devastated
her.)
Some abused individuals have had children with their abuser; therefore they keep
quiet so as not to "damage" their family reputation or otherwise impact on the
"stability" of their family, forgetting that to allowing one's self to be abused
in front of one's children only paves the way for further victimization.
Allowing abuse to go on in a family also sets a negative example that children
may follow, perpetuating the abuse from generation to generation.
Why don't victims just leave?
Abused individuals are questioned by family and friends as to why they take the
mistreatment and why they just don't leave. This is one of the many situations
in life where you must have walked a mile in the shoes of another to understand
their situation. A long-term relationship is just that for many of us—
long-term. We have invested much of ourselves into the relationship and it just
isn't like selling a car that continues to break down. A large part of one's
sense of self-worth and self-esteem is likely to have been invested in the
relationship and, like the broken down car, we just want it fixed and running—
as we neither want nor can afford a new car or a new relationship.
Hostage negotiators know that they cannot argue or otherwise talk a delusional
individual out of their delusion. They will not listen to the negotiator, or
they will somehow incorporate the negotiator into their delusion. They can write
off the negotiator off as someone who "just doesn't understand."
If you are in a long-term abusive relationship, your choice may be to ignore the
warnings of others, believing that those opinions could destroy your
relationship. The logic goes that the person offering advice simply doesn't
understand your situation and doesn't know that their well-meaning advice, if
taken, could destroy your relationship with your spouse or partner. But the
long-term effects of abuse include depression; suicide or attempted suicide;
anxiety; guilt; withdrawal from school, work and social settings; feelings of
shame; and symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (both on the one abused
and on any children in the family).
What to do if you're in an abusive relationship
Understand that an abusive individual will continue to abuse you until you stop
him or her from doing so, even if it requires you to emotionally and physically
separate yourself from your abuser. But don't allow your abuser to separate you
from your contact with family and friends. They are your support system and you
need them to help you maintain a healthy frame of reference concerning your
life, your relationship, and the world.
If the victim of the abusive relationship is your child or a friend, you need to
remain supportive and not put even more stress, pressure, and guilt on the
abused individual. An abuser can change, but he/she must want to change, and the
longer he is allowed to abuse, the less likely he is to alter his behavior. If
emotional or physical abuse is present in a dating relationship, know that the
abuser is a loser; the abuse will become worse as time goes by, so turn on your
heels and move quickly away from the influence of this person. Period.
If you, your friend, or your child is involved in a long-term abusive
relationship, including a marriage with children, again know that the abuse is
not likely to end without outside assistance. The more you pretend it isn't
happening, or the more you accept abusive behavior in your home and within your
family, the more will come your way.
I recall a woman who told us that she helped her husband commit a kidnapping and
murder because "If he was occupied doing something else, he was too busy to
abuse me."
The abuser may threaten you or even himself ("I'll kill myself if you leave," or
"I'll lose my job if you tell") in an attempt to control you and keep you as his
helpless victim. He may abuse and then— even beg— for your forgiveness, only to
reoffend in the near future. If the abuse is due to a mental disorder, a
personality disorder, or substance abuse, there is no way that it will get any
better. It will definitely get worse. Some victims will become so conditioned to
their abuser's actions that they cannot function without the co-dependent
relationship with their abuser.
Like cancer, abuse will not heal itself and if left alone, it can destroy your
lifestyle and happiness. It may even take your life. Be quick to demand that the
abuse ends— and if it doesn't, know that your decision is either to continue to
be emotionally and perhaps physically pounded on, or to seek outside help to
save the relationship, and possibly save your very life or that of your
children.
Stockholm Syndrome in the news
Many have suggested that Patty Hearst was also a victim of the Stockholm
Syndrome. After being kidnapped and tortured by the Symbionese Liberation Army (SLA)
in February 1974, she took on the nom de guerre of “Tania” and helped the SLA
rob banks. It has also been suggested that 15-year-old Elizabeth Smart,
kidnapped from her Utah bedroom in June 2003 and made to become the bride of her
kidnapper, suffered from Stockholm Syndrome. Her captor was a drifter and
self-described prophet who calls himself ‘Emmanuel.” Smart was found alive and
wandering around with her kidnapper in an open public setting some nine months
later.
Not everyone continues to take this abuse and many have successfully altered the
behavior within the relationship— or left the relationship to ultimately survive
and thrive. We all need to endure the many challenges and traumas of life in
ways that preserve our sense of self worth and self-esteem. We don't have to be
victims and we don't have to accept abuse at the hands of others, especially a
supposed intimate whom we initially trusted and loved and who now hurts us with
clock-like regularity. We each have an inner voice that tells us when something
is really wrong. In the case of abusive relationships, listen to the voice and
then do something about it. Your very life is on the line.
Oh, and by the way. Remember the Stockholm bank robbery where the hostages gave
into their captors? In another similar situation, the police sniper had to shoot
an armed hostage-taker who was threatening the lives of two female hostages.
When shot, the robber fell to the floor, whereupon his two female hostages
picked him up off the floor and held him in front of a window so that he could
be shot a second time. (No second shot was needed.)
Stay safe!
Other tips and information concerning personal and child safety and security can
be found at www.LiveSecure.org Clint
Van Zandt is an NBC television analyst and the founder and president of
Van Zandt Associates Inc. Dr.
Van Zandt also developed LiveSecure.org
, a Website dedicated "to develop, evaluate, and disseminate information to help
prepare and inform individuals concerning personal and family security issues."
During his 25-year career in the FBI, Clint Van Zandt was a supervisor in the
FBI's internationally renowned Behavioral Science Unit at the FBI Academy in
Quantico, Virginia. He was also the FBI's Chief Hostage Negotiator and was the
leader of the analytical team tasked with identifying the "Unabomber."